


What Difference Does It Make?

by orphan_account



Series: Sweet Heart Sweet Light [5]
Category: Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't Examine This Too Closely, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut, Sort Of, Younger Miles/Older Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 05:20:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20109781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Miles falls in love with someone, but gets all winded up because he's never been with a man before. Alex offers to help him "practice".





	What Difference Does It Make?

What Difference Does It Make?

Miles comes to visit on a raining Saturday evening.

He didn’t call in advance to check if Alex’s home and free. Instead, he just places himself in front of the security camera at the gate and beams at the black lens as if he could see Alex’s surprised smile on the other side. 

Alex opens the door for him happily when Miles jumps out of the elevator. The rain that keeps weighing down Alex’s thoughts in the past few hours has also dampened Miles’ hair and clothes. The young man is dressed in a reddish floral shirt and tight black jeans, stepping into Alex’s living room like he’s walking out of an old poster. 

“What brought you here, kid?”

Alex closes the door behind them. He puts Miles’ shoes on the mat trimly, knowing the tidiness will make the lad happy. Caught in the sight of Miles sitting on the floor beside his tea table, looking up at him like a fluffy puppy, Alex blinks a few times to double check if he’s dreaming again. That’s when Miles rubs his face and sneezes.

The sound startles them both and Alex can’t help with a concerned smile. “Go and get changed. I’ll make you tea.”

In early June, the sweet warmth of Summer is still suppressed by endless raining hours in East London. Alex is not a fan of gloomy weather. He hates it more when Miles is at home in Wirral, which just makes any day of Alex’s life a shade darker.

Speaking of Wirral, it’s only the second week of Miles’ summer break and there’s no reason for him to show up at Alex’s place, all soaked in rain and quieter than usual. Miles wrapped himself in an old milky turtleneck that no longer fits Alex and a pair of grey lounge pants that Alex doesn’t even know he owns, curling up on Alex’s couch with a cushion on his bent knees. 

“Where’s me tea?” Miles asks teasingly after catching Alex staring. Alex rolls his eyes, cursing half-heartedly as a weak attempt to cover his embarrassment. He passes the tea to Miles and sits down beside him, watching his young friend sipping on the hot beverage in content.  
  
“Hum…me mum thought it’s better I don’t waste the next few months in our yard doing nothing. Told her I’d look for some intern and stay with Joe for the summer. I arrived this afternoon, dumped me stuff at his and thought I’d come by.” Miles chuckles behind the warm mist rising from the cup. “I really missed ya old face, Al. It’s a really nice face.”

He winks, the joking tone bleeding out of his words almost completely as his voice gets low. Alex’s chest feels tight for a second. He nudges the boy sitting beside him, laughing softly himself. “What about Indian takeout for dinner?”

“Hum. Missed that as well. I’m starving.” 

“I have some leftovers in the fridge, if you don’t mind.”

Miles jumps up eagerly and welcomes himself into the kitchen. He has a strong passion for food, and sometimes Alex gets more satisfied watching Miles’ eating than actually eating. He makes a scolding sound when Miles also snatches out the whiskey bottle and two shot glasses from the shelf.

“Miles, I have a few more assays to mark-”

“Come on, Al. Shakespeare and Pushkin can both wait.” Miles begs brazenly. Alex caves in right away, letting the rest of his evening plan be washed down the drain. After all, he has missed Miles as well, likely in a lonelier, intenser way.

Half way through the bottle and whatever dummy film Miles chose for them to watch, the younger man suddenly blurs out. “I think I’m in love.”

Alex’s mouth becomes as dry as a sandpaper in less than a blink. 

“Congratulations, Miles. You’re a big boy now!” Alex forces himself to mock, yet he can’t help but wince afterwards, voice shaking in the slightest. He wonders which girl Miles has fallen for this time. Not that Alex hasn’t pictured this for a thousand times; He’s always prepared for a next time. 

Miles drops his empty plate in the sink and comes back for another shot of whiskey. He stands in a weirdly awkward way, swaying back and forth gingerly on the heels, eyes on the ground. “It’s… a man.” 

Alex hasn’t practiced for this.

“What?” Alex sneers. He almost sounds accusing. “You said, for multiple times, that you’re solely interested in ladies.”

Miles fists the soft fabric covering his stomach tightly and defends himself in a whisper. “I was.”

The lost expression on his face stirs Alex out of his own bitterness. “Come here, Miles.” He waves his arms and coaxes the boy closer, pulling him in a chaste hug. Alex breathes in the smell of Miles deeply and blows out the jealousy piling up in his chest as much as he can. He pats Miles on the back gently, comforting him. “Thank you for telling me. Miles, you know there’s nothing wrong with-”

“I know, I know. Save the speech, Al.” Miles wraps both of his long arms around Alex’s neck and presses Alex’s head into his chest. Alex can tell his heartbeat is fast and he’s still clearly tense as hell. Miles pulls away and sinks into the sofa again. He rubs his face, smiles nervously at Alex and sighs.

“It’s just…I haven’t told him yet and I don’t wanna mess things up.”

This is different than all other crushes Miles had over the few girls; Alex realizes. Before, Miles wouldn’t shut up about how gorgeous they were, and he needed to ask them out. Miles was never insecure like this. At least Alex has never seen the hesitant face on him before. 

He knows it’s stupid to regret something that simply won’t happen, but still, Alex feels the sour agony in his stomach creeping around and paralyzing him. To ease the pain, Alex pours himself another shot of whiskey and swallows his heart back with it. When he feels like he could breathe again, Alex asks as casually as he can manage.

“He’s your mate?”

“Yeah, you can say that.” Miles scratches the bridge of his nose and nods. It’s one of the few moves that makes him appear awfully young. It coldly reminds Alex the seven years’ gap between them. He smiles bitterly to himself in silence and drinks some more. 

“He studies music as well?”

“Not really. He’s got great taste though. He’s more into…literature and stuff.”

Alex almost chokes on his drink. “He’s not in my class, is he?” He can barely stand the idea: Miles fell for some kid in class while he’s sitting at the back waiting for Alex’s lecture to finish. He probably thought about the boy when he sat across the table to Alex during lunchtime, while Alex’s eyes and mind were filled with Miles and Miles alone-

Before his imagination adds more humiliation to his pathetic crush, Miles screams and halts Alex’s train of thoughts. “Hell no! Wow, that would be fucking weird, Al. Thank you for the mental image.”

They both laugh. Miles leans heavily onto Alex and pokes at the left side of his ribcage. “Seriously, I’m stuck. I have no idea how to woo him.”

“How come? You kiss anything that moves.” Alex pushes at him but doesn’t really want to remove Miles from where he is right now. Miles protests with an annoyed snort. The whiskey clearly relaxes Miles and opens him up even more, if that’s possible. He reluctantly admits that he’s never kissed a man properly.

Alex lets out a sloppy peal of laughter. “Predictable, since you were so hopelessly straight.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Means that,” Alex has too much to drink himself and Miles’ little frown is awfully close. He observes this stupid, thick-headed boy in front of him, who seems oblivious to every single hint and clue Alex has given him. Now he dares to fall in love with another man, someone who even majors in bloody literature-

Anger lights Alex up suddenly. For a second or two, he thinks he may explode with half a bottle of whiskey inside his brain. Miles doesn’t tear his sight away from Alex’s face. On the contrary, he breathes in heavily and licks his bottom lip out of reflex. His eyes are irresistibly bright under the warm ceiling light.

The last string breaks under the pressure and Alex grabs at Miles’ chin, pulling him forward. Before either of them knows, they are already sharing a hot and breathy kiss.

Alex releases Miles only when he’s lightheaded from not taking in enough oxygen. “You just need a bit of…practice.” He grumbles, feeling entirely desperate and ridiculously close to tears.

“Alex,” Miles breathes out a quiet moan, eyes fluttering shut. His mouth stands agape, lips trembling in a delicious manner. Alex will crumble if staring at him for another second, so he leans forward and kisses Miles again. 

Alex can feel warmth against his fingers when Miles reaches for his hand that rests on his neck. The palm of Miles’ hand is sweaty and burning.

What is he doing? Miles came to him because he trusted Alex and wanted some advice, but instead Alex is venting all those years of longing and frustration, crushing Miles down with the sick fantasy of his. Drowned in guilt and self-loathing, Alex recoils back violently, only to earn an incoherent complaint from Miles.

Before Alex could find himself an excuse, Miles’ lips are back. The way he kisses is beyond Alex’s imagination and only makes him weaker and weaker by every passing second. They’d thought Alex is the rookie: He pops a rod so fast, simply from Miles’ tongue sweeping away his ability of talking.

“I can teach you.” Alex means to joke, but it sounds nothing but an honest offer. “I can teach you everything, Miles. How about that?”

\+ 

He surely has imagined this for a shameful amount of times. Although in an ideal situation, neither of them would be drunk and there’s no voice beside his ears whispering “wrong”. Alex hisses lowly when Miles’ middle finger penetrates him tentatively. The younger man between his parting legs freezes and immediately starts to apologize.

Alex squeezes the bedsheet involuntarily. “No, no…don’t… you’re doing great.” He encourages, knowing it’s too soon, too rushed and wrong to lead Miles this way. _If Miles is to have sex with another boy, he better learns how to go slow._“Give me another one.”

“Al,” Miles’ other hand draws soothing patterns on his trembling hipbone, “Are you sure-”

“Yeah…ah, yes.” Alex groans loudly when Miles hesitantly traces his index finger along the rim of his entrance. _It has been a while. _He hasn’t got a proper laid for forever; Knowing and seeing it’s Miles above him just makes his head spinning even more. He’s supposed to say something like “move slowly, the boys will appreciate that”, but nothing comes out of his mouth except broken pleases for more. 

It’s an awful feeling, Miles’ fingers leaving his body. Alex wants them there inside of him more than he needs to breathe. Miles’ hands are back on his thighs, tenderly tracing the delicate skin there. He presses his cheek against Alex’s knee and waits until Alex is looking straight up into his eyes, the volatile shade of hazel that Alex likes the most.

Miles smiles. His line of sight travels down and caresses every inch of Alex’s exposed skin. He is just as desperate, blushing and panting and trying his best to hide his impatience. In any other condition, the undivided attention will make Alex uneasy with self-consciousness. But when it comes from Miles, he can ask for nothing more.

He cries out when Miles finally pushes inside him. The hurried preparation makes Miles’ every inexperienced movement a torture Alex craves for. It’s hard to see Miles with his teary eyes, which only makes Alex need him more. He begs Miles to move almost immediately, having entirely forgotten he offered a “lecture” which’s supposed to be for _someone else. _

Alex twines the wet locks on Miles’ forehead and pulls him down, closer and closer until no distance is left in between. The younger boy goes compliant and moves willingly in his hands, spreading kisses on Alex’s face. “Al,” Miles thrusts back into him and shivers, as if he could just feel what Alex feels. He almost sounds in pain. “God. You’re so…”

He loses the word and uses that mouth to suck on Alex’s pulse instead. Even in Miles’ most lust-driven bite, there’s always a lingering touch of hesitation that feels tender and intimate. Each kiss breaks Alex from the inside for a bit more. He doesn’t even mind every move causes slight pain and just encourages Miles to go down on him, do whatever he pleases.

Alex knows he’d always remember how Miles screams for him when he comes. His voice is hoarse and indistinct when Miles’ fingers travels down. What drives Alex over the edge is more the idea of Miles than the actual physical stimulation. He loses himself completely when Miles asks him to let go, blacking out entirely for a few seconds.

When Alex comes around, he’s lying in bed alone, the dimed silence buzzing and threatening to swallow him down.

Alex throws a tired arm up to cover his eyes. He feels sore, exhausted and dirty, while knowing it’s all so well deserved.

Many times, he’s imagined Miles walking barefoot into the bathroom, grabbing a clean tower from the shelf and turns on the tap for the bath. Then he’d come back, wiping Alex clean and then dragging him into the bathtub. Alex would complain about how much water he splashes out the damn floor and Miles hurries to promise he’ll clean it later, just as he always did with the messes he’s made in the kitchen. 

Alex opens his eyes again. The crashing silence in his bedroom is broken by a muffled curse coming from the door, followed by a wheezing sound of Miles shouting his name. “The tiles in your bathroom are so damn slippery. I just knocked me head on - Al?”

The younger man jumps on bed immediately and shakes Alex’s shoulder. “Are you alright? Did… did I hurt you?” Miles asks in panic, worry bleeding out from every pore on his body. His face looks somewhat funny and makes Alex laugh. 

“Miles,” He says, watching Miles’ face closely. The night has made him honest. “Sometimes I wish I know what to do with you.”

Miles frowns at his confession. “I hate when you talk to me like this, Al. I’m not a child.”

“I know.” Alex agrees easily. He never thinks Miles as anything but his equal. And he has always wanted Miles to be. “I hope you like your lecture, whoever that’s for.” 

Miles stares at him, mouth slight ajar. For a while he just looks confused and perplexed, as if he didn’t hear Alex clearly. “I-” He tries, but only makes a sobbing sound instead. Suddenly, Miles pulls away angrily as if Alex has slapped him in the face, and his eyes becomes red.

It’s Alex’s turn to be at lost. He struggles to sit up, wincing when a dull pain shots up along his spine. Miles flinches at his reaction. “I thought you knew!” He lashes out, crying even harder when Alex tries to touch him. Miles gestures between them. “Why would you even go along with all this?”

The question stings Alex more than anything. He snaps as well, shouting helplessly. “Why would I? Isn’t that a hard puzzle to fucking solve, Miles!”

Miles is completely taken aback, stunned and speechless. There’re a few red marks on his bare chest, left by Alex’s fingernails. The sight of him has always been heart-breaking, but even more so right now, when Alex knows Miles will never be his. _He is bloody in love with some nerd that Alex doesn’t even know –_

“Ah.” Alex falls back on his heels. His heart falls silent in his chest, and that’s exactly when Miles’ blank face comes back to life.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Miles mutters, rubbing the tears off his face with the heel of his hands. He smiles hesitantly, in disbelief, and opens his mouth again.

Alex beats him. His head is dizzy with the tsunami of emotions. “You were talking about me?”

“Who else could it be?” Miles pouts, seemingly defensive and annoyed. Alex actually ponders over the question. He shakes his head, laughing at himself in embarrassment. Miles is gonna tease him to death if he only knows what Alex was thinking about a few minutes ago. Miles groans. “Oh dear, you really did think I was talking about some other nerd.”

“Glad to know that I was wrong.” Alex chuckles, lying back down in relief. Miles snorts and climbs on top of him, until Alex stops laughing and softly whimpers, tangling their limbs together. Miles melts down above him, but soon suggests they really should move to the bathroom, because he has turned on the tap in the bath earlier and in no time the whole flat will be flooded if they stay in bed.

+

“I’m still pissed at you for having so much faith in me, Al.”

“I’ve wanted you for so long.” Later, when they lie together and there’s no chance for Miles to disappear anytime soon, Alex kisses him in between every word despite the sarcastic whines Miles throws at him. The older man admits, still feeling a bit unsure about himself. “I used to feel really bad about it. You were only 19 and you weren’t even into men. It’s all so fucked up, Miles. I never thought…” 

Miles cuts him off with a whisper in his ear and a squeeze on his hand. “Sometimes I fantasized about you too, Al. The first time it happened, that really scared the shit out of me. I know it’s okay to fancy a lad, but with you…I wanna wait and be sure it’s not just because you’ve got a sinful bum, you know?”

Alex kicks him on the shin under the cover. “How eloquent, love.”

“I just love you, Alex. Of course that needs to include every part of you-”

“Bugger off, Miles.” Alex laughs, but pulls Miles even closer to himself. His eyes fall close. “You better kiss me before I pass out.”

Before, Alex has always thought it’s the best thing in the world, falling in love with Miles Kane, however painful it can be. Now with Miles next to him, Alex learns that there can be something **_even better, _**however surreal that may sound.


End file.
